


Finding Ourselves (In Each Other)

by moomoomeep



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Songfic, i had cap 2 in mind, in regards to setting and outfits, inspired by frozen (sort of), post winter soldier, self-harm (mentioned), suicide attempt (mentioned), when i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 18:25:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1314784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moomoomeep/pseuds/moomoomeep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve knows things will never be the way they were before, but he's hoping they can try to rebuild some of what they once had.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Do You Wanna Build A Snowman?

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to the Frozen Soundtrack when I was suddenly hit with this idea. I hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> Warning: mentions of a suicide attempt and self harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters

Steve looks at the broken form of his friend sitting on a hospital bed and staring blankly at the wall in front of him. It’s been three weeks since he first saw Bucky in D.C. as Winter Soldier, and three days since he cured his friend of his brainwashing, and brought him to a hospital in upstate New York. The blond looks over his friend’s form, in search of any injuries. While his friend appears to be completely healed physically, he can't say the same for his mental progression

After Bucky first regained his memories, he looked so guilt ridden at realizing all the horrible things he did as Winter Soldier, he opened the back hatch and jumped out of the in-flight plane in what Steve thought was a suicide attempt. The Commander immediately dove after his friend and caught him in mid-air. He ignored Bucky’s shouts of _“I don’t deserve to be saved”_ and _“I want to die, Steve, why can’t you just accept that!”_ and simply held is friend close as they plumped towards the concrete. They were barely saved from death by Sam, who caught them by the straps on Steve’s uniform (Surprisingly, The Falcon didn’t complain about heavy their combined weight was).

Ever since Bucky was admitted to the hospital, he’s been mute. Steve is having a hard time getting his friend to talk with him, despite the fact he’s by Bucky’s side since his friend was admitted. The blond has been telling his friend everything about his time in the present: about the Avengers, the Chitauri invasion, how he, Natasha, and Sam have been invited to move into the newly constructed Avengers Tower. Steve quickly added that the invite was extended to Bucky as well, and that he was welcome whenever he was ready.

Bucky doesn’t respond.

“Anything?” Natasha asks after Steve leaves Bucky’s room. She’s standing in front of the one-way mirror outside the hospital room with her arms crossed and posture steady.

The blond shakes his head sadly and shuts the door behind him.

Natasha walks over to Steve and places a strong hand on his shoulder, which is her version of a hug. “He’ll come around. I’m sure of it,” she offers. “You should get some rest. I’ll watch over him.”

Steve is about to protest, but Natasha fixes him a stern look.

“I’ll call you if anything changes. Now, go,” she orders, using her hand that was on Steve’s shoulder to point to the elevators.

Steve sighs, deciding not to argue with the redhead (he would lose anyway). The blond gives his friend one last longing glance through the mirror before ultimately heading to the elevator.

If he so happened to grab a nurse’s coat and a hat on his way out, and Natasha happened to see him, she doesn’t say anything.

**

That night, Steve returns to the hospital disguised as a nurse. He makes it past the front desk and the actual nurses with relative ease despite the strange looks they fix him (he later realizes it’s because the name tag on the coat he borrowed says “Nurse Julie Stein”). The blond reaches the end of the hall, and enters the elevator, pressing the button for the third floor, which is where Bucky’s room is located.

Steve decided while he was “resting” that instead of trying to talk to Bucky, he’s going to sing to him. It sounds stupid, even in Steve’s head, but when they were younger and didn’t feel like talking, they would communicate through song. The blond fondly remembers belting Frank Sinatra lyrics to each other and laughing at Bucky’s rendition of _“Over the Rainbow.”_

The elevator arrives on the third floor and Steve exits, before making his way to his friend’s room. Thankfully, he doesn’t run into any nurses on this level, assuming them to be at the nurse’s station by the stairs on the other side of the floor. Steve turns the next corner carefully, peering around and finding no sign of Natasha, Sam, or Fury lingering outside Bucky’s room.

Steve steps up to the one-way mirror, feeling his heartbreak. His friend still sitting in the same position as earlier and appears to be wide-awake. The blond raises his hand to knock on the door and pauses. He’s trying to remember what the name of that movie Clint made him watch before Natasha called and asked him to come to D.C.—the one about the sisters and the snowman.

After a few moments, he finally remembers. This is going to be embarrassing, but Bucky used to always get a kick out of the blond making a fool himself.

Asshole.

“Bucky?” Steve takes a breath and knocks on Bucky’s door. _“Do you wanna build a snowman?”_ He winces at his attempt at singing. It’s been decades since he’s practiced.

 _“Come on let’s go and play.”_ The blond cringes, realizing the stupidity of his idea, but he’s already started. Besides, if he doesn’t finish this now, Bucky will eventually corner him, force him to finish, and then laugh in his face.

 _“I never see you anymore, come out the door, it’s like you’ve gone away. We used to be best buddies, and now we're not. I wish you would tell me why.”_ Oh good job, Rogers, way to remind the man that he hasn’t been himself for over seventy years and that they aren't close anymore.

 _“Do you want to build a snowman? It doesn’t have to be a snowman,”_ Steve says, letting the last word hang in the air. This was such a bad idea. He should have gone with a song that Bucky would know and not something from a children's film that Clint showed him on a whim.

Steve sighs, wondering if there is a possible way to come back from this when the door opens, and the blond finds himself staring back into the eyes of his best friend.

The other man looks terrible, but more exhausted than anything. Steve suspects he would be too after being experimented on, forced onto various missions, and frozen between each one. He remembers the doctor saying that there’s evidence Bucky fought back against the people who brainwashed him, shown in the form of scratches and scars littered across his good arm and a dent in his metal arm. The doctor also mentioned that it appears as though Bucky’s arm had been detached at least once. Steve can imagine Bucky ripping off his own arm and beating his captors with it—it’s the exact sort of thing his friend would do.

Bucky makes a sound, which brings Steve out of his thoughts. He looks at his friend eagerly, hoping the other man will say something, even if it just “Go away, Steve" or “You still haven’t been practicing your vocals, Rogers.”

It takes a few minutes, but his friend finally speaks.

“I never want to see snow again,” Bucky says in a quiet, hoarse voice.

Steve gulps and nods, suppressing the grin that wants to slide over his face at hearing his best friend’s voice again. The blond can feel unshed tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. “Bucky . . .”

“Stevie . . .?”

And Steve nearly _does_ cry at hearing his old nickname again. Without thinking, the blond leans forward and wraps Bucky in a tight hug. He feels the other man tense before realizing he made a mistake at initiating contact too soon. Steve moves to release his friend and apologize profusely when he feels hesitant arms wrap around his middle.

The Commander smiles and leans into Bucky resting his chin on his friend’s metal shoulder. His grin widens as he feels Bucky tighten his arms around Steve. They can get through this. Steve knows things will never be the same as they were back in the forties, but he’s hoping that with this gesture, they can start to rebuild their friendship. Bucky is, and has always been, the most important person in Steve’s life and he doesn’t ever want to lose him again.

Hell, maybe one day, he’ll be able to convince Bucky to build something with him.

It doesn’t have to be a snowman.


	2. Let It Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for all the support! 
> 
> Here’s the second (and final) part! I hope you enjoy! :)

A few days later, Bucky is released from the hospital.

Steve finishes signing the papers, which will release the brunet his custody. He smiles at the nurse, who accepts the clipboard with a nod. She reaches down underneath the desk and pulls out a large, white plastic bag before handing it Steve. He smiles and quietly thanks her before heading back to his friend’s room.

When he arrives, both Natasha and Sam are standing outside Bucky’s room, talking quietly amongst themselves. Natasha looks up and offers Steve a smile, before looking at the bag curiously.

“It’s Bucky’s clothes,” he answers. “He’s going to hate having to put this on again, but it’s all he has.”

The redhead nods her understanding before returning to her conversation with Sam.

The blond goes over to Bucky’s door and knocks. “Bucky? I’m coming in, okay?” Steve doesn’t get a response, and he wasn’t expecting to. His friend has gone mute again and no matter what he does, Steve can’t get him to speak again.

He slowly opens the door and enters his friend’s room, shutting the object behind him. Bucky is now sitting on the edge of the bed, with his legs dangling on the side looking around the room as if he’s seeing it for the first time.

Steve clears his throat and Bucky looks him over with a curious glance. He raises the bag in his hands as he approaches the man, setting the bag next to him. “Time to go,” he says.

Bucky tilts his head to the side as if he’s inquiring more information.

“You’re being released from the hospital,” the blond says. “I’m going to take you to Avengers Tower—that’s our home now.”

The brunet furrows his brow, but gives a nod in understanding. He reaches into the bag and pulls out his Winter Soldier uniform, frowning at the material in his hands. Bucky rises from the bed, and pulls off his hospital gown. He redresses in the uniform (sans the mask, which Steve broke in D.C.), looking disgusted as the material slides over his skin.

Steve averts his eyes to give his friend some privacy, even though this isn’t the first time he’s seen Bucky take his clothes off. For his eighteenth birthday, Bucky attempted to bake a cake, burned it, and then gave him a bad striptease to make up for it. He hasn’t laughed that hard since.

The blond is pulled from his thoughts when Bucky suddenly appears at his side, looking up at him. Steve is assuming that he’s ready to leave. He walks over to the door, opens it, and leads the them out of the room

Natasha and Sam stop their conversation, looking between the pair as if for confirmation.

Steve nods. “Let’s go.”

**

It takes five and a half hours to reach New York City and another thirty minutes to reach Avengers Tower. Natasha opted for a limo instead of a Quinjet. After what happened the last time Bucky was on a plane, Steve is thankful for her choice.

The ride is spent in silence. Natasha is on her phone, Sam is sleeping, and Bucky is gazing out of the window at the countryside passing by. Steve alternates between reading and looking at his friend, who is sitting next to him, so close that their thighs are pressed together.

When the limo stops in front of Avengers Tower, Sam is jolted awake from the motion and Natasha is pulled out of her trance. The driver opens the door and Bucky looks back at Steve. He nods his head and Bucky exits the vehicle, with Steve not far behind. Nat and Sam follow him out.

“Welcome home,” Natasha says with a small quirk of her lips as she gazes at the tower.

Steve follows her gaze and smiles. Tony did a nice job with the reconstruction of the tower; it looks better than it did before.

The redhead leads the way into the tower lobby where Tony, who looks sharp in a pressed blue suit and polished black shoes, greets them.

“You’re late,” he says when the group of five reaches his position.

Natasha shrugs. “I wanted to take the long way.”

Tony nods before looking at Steve. “Cap, always good to see you.”

“You’re looking well,” Steve says with a small smile.

“And feeling it,” Tony responds before turning to Sam. “You must be Sam.”

“I am, pleasure to meet you,” Sam says with a smile before shaking Tony’s hand.

Tony smiles before turning to Bucky. “This must mean that you’re Bucky. I’ve heard so much about you.” The billionaire holds out his hand, and Bucky stares at it blankly. After a few awkward beats, Tony withdraws his hand back to his side.

“Alright. If you follow me, I’ll give you the grand vocal tour!” the genius says, as he leads the group to the elevators on the other side of the lobby.

Natasha rolls her eyes before leaning and whispering to Sam. “Oh great, now he’s not going to shut up,” she says, letting a smile cross her face when Sam snorts.

Tony turns his head and frowns. “I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.”

The redhead shakes her head, amused.

Tony presses the button to call the elevator, crossing his arms and tapping his foot impatiently.

Steve looks over at this friend standing next to him, watching the man look around the Tower lobby with an indifferent look on his face. Bucky doesn’t look impressed, whether it’s by the modernization or the design, Steve doesn’t know. Even before the war, the rich never impressed his friend; he often talked of wanting to kick them out of power, and make them taste their own medicine.

The elevator arrives and the group of five pile inside, the device large enough that the adults can spread out. Tony, who is closest to the buttons, presses the button to go up. They watch the doors close and the elevator begins to rise.

Tony takes a breath before beginning to speak. “Here’s the low down of the tower: the first fifty-two levels are for my company, Stark Industries. The main common room is on level fifty-three, with the poolroom, game room, and training hall occupying the next three levels in that order.”

“The Avengers each get their own floor starting with Bruce on level fifty-seven, Natasha, you’re on fifty-eight, I’m on fifty-nine, and Steve you’re on sixty. Clint is on sixty- one; Sam, you’ll be bunking with him. He’s so excited to have a fellow bird-lover on the team that he’s already claimed you,” Tony says with an eye roll that has some fondness in it. “And Thor is on the sixty-second and uppermost level.”

The elevator arrives at the Avengers main common room, and the doors automatically open. Tony leads the way out before turning to the four people standing behind him. He nods his head in Steve’s direction. “Bucky was a last minute addition, so he’s going to have to stay on someone else’s floor.”

“He can stay on my floor,” Steve says. He wouldn’t want Bucky staying anywhere else.

“Is that alright with you, Bucky?” Tony asks, giving the brunet a curious look.

Bucky fixes the billionaire a blank stare.

Tony nods once. “Alright,” he says before continuing the tour.

**

That evening, Steve finds himself sitting on the large couch in Bucky’s room, with his sketchpad in his lap. The blond has been sketching his friend, who’s curled up next to him looking out the window at the city being bathed in the fading light of the sunset.

Steve glances up at his friend before returning to his drawing. He can draw Bucky accurately from memory with no problem, but he can’t help himself from drawing him in real time. The Commander never got the chance to when they were younger. Money was scarce and art supplies even more so. Whenever Steve did have the means to draw someone in real time, Bucky was either unavailable because of work or unable to sit still. His friend had too much energy and was always moving.

The blond looks back up at his friend. He was unsuccessful in getting Bucky to interact with the rest of the Avengers. The brunet mainly gave the team blank looks when they tried to speak to him. Well, in a way, he did interact with Thor. The Demi-God had happily walked up to Bucky in the kitchen and offered him a pop tart. His friend took the treat without a word. He ate the entire thing, but Steve doesn’t know if it’s because he liked it or because he didn’t want to offend Thor.

The only time Bucky showed any emotion was when he heard JARVIS speak for the first time. He looked so surprised and scared that he immediately put a knife into his hand and glanced around wildly looking for the source. It took Steve twenty minutes to calm him down and another ten to explain who and what JARVIS is. Bucky still looked suspicious, but ultimately accepted Steve’s explanation.

Not long after that, Steve brought Bucky to their floor, and showed him to his room, which is right across from the blond’s. When Bucky retreated to the window, he grabbed his sketchpad and joined his friend, hoping he wouldn’t mind the company. Steve has been afraid of leaving Bucky alone for too long ever since his suicide attempt. He’s worried that he’ll leave and come back, only to find his friend dead.

Steve blinks and rubs his eyes, only to feel wetness on his fingers. The fear of losing his friend again after just getting his back is consuming him. He should have made Bucky stay behind during that mission. His friend would have been pissed and never spoken to Steve again, but maybe he would still be alive today as an older version of himself, instead of the broken man sitting in front of him.

Twenty minutes later, Steve finishes his drawing and lets a tired smile cross his face. He looks back up at his friend, deciding that they should both try to get some sleep. The blond rises from the couch, intending to go back to his room, change into his nightclothes, and come back to sleep on the sofa. He moves to get up, when he feels Bucky grab his shirt and curl his metal fingers into the fabric. The blond curiously looks down at him.

“Will you stay with me?” Bucky asks, with his gaze still fixed outside.

Steve’s features soften. “Of course.” He reaches for the hand in his shirt and takes it with his own. “Come on; let’s get some rest.”

The Commander slowly nudges Bucky, until the other man rises before leading him to the large king-sized bed in the center of the room, which is about the size of the apartment they used to share together in the forties. Steve encourages Bucky to lie down on the bed, smiling to himself when he does just that.

However, he is surprised when his friend blinks up at him, and it takes Steve a few moments to realize Bucky wants him to sleep next to him. It wouldn’t be the first time they shared a room, or even a bed. They grew up in an orphanage that was always full and the caretakers decided to stick them together since they were attached at the hip anyway.

Steve smiles and lays down, settling next to his friend, who’s still facing him.

Bucky scans the blond’s face curiously, and Steve would give anything to know what he’s thinking right now. One thing he wishes is that his friend would talk with him more than just the few sentences he’s spoken over the past few days. The blond knows it’s going to take time, and all he wants to do his help, but he won’t accurately know how to unless Bucky is vocal with him.

The Commander is pulled from his thoughts when Bucky suddenly rolls over and he finds himself staring at the back of the brunet’s head. Steve mentally sighs, and rolls over so he’s facing the couch they were just sitting on. Bucky’s laying close enough, that Steve can feel the heat radiating off his back. His friend was always a like a furnace—it was welcomed in winter, but irritating in summer.

Steve closes his eyes and settles further against the mattress. “Goodnight Buck.”

He doesn’t get a response.

**

_“Commander Rogers?”_

Steve groans, shifting onto his back. He opens his eyes and waits for them to adjust to the complete darkness of the room. “JARVIS? What’s going on?”

_“It is Master Barnes, Commander.”_

The blond furrows his brow. “Bucky? He’s right next to me.” He turns to his side, only to find the space next to him empty.

Steve jolts into a sitting position immediately on alert. He feels a twang of panic pass through him; this is _exactly_ what he’s feared all along. How could he let himself fall asleep like that!

The blond jumps out of bed, and leaves the room in a hurry. “JARVIS, where is he?”

_“Level fifty-four.”_

Steve thinks for a moment. “The pool? What the hell is he doing there?”

_“Shall I call sir?”_

Steve shakes his head before realizing Jarvis probably can’t see the action. “Negative, I can handle Bucky.” He doesn’t need Tony or the other Avengers getting involved, especially since he has no idea what Bucky is doing down there.

He picks up his pace, opting to take the stairs instead of the elevator because the device will only slow him down. The blond throws open the door, quickly making his way down six flights of stairs, his mind imaging the worst scenarios.

After five tense minutes of running, Steve finally reaches the poolroom. He throws open the double doors and sees his friend standing a few feet away from the pool with a metal bucket at his feet and a lighter in his hand.

“What are you doing?” Steve asks, slightly out of breath.

The brunet barely glances at Steve before stripping out of his Winter Soldier uniform and throwing his clothes into the metal bucket. Standing nude, he lights the lighter in his hand, tosses it into the bucket, and watches his clothes light on fire. He stares at the flames for a few minutes before suddenly running to the pool and jumping in.

“Bucky!” Steve yells in a panic. The brunet knows how to swim, but it doesn’t stop him from jumping into the pool (fully clothed) after the other man.

Steve surfaces and quickly swims over to his now hysterically laughing best friend, who is swimming around in circles and staring at the high up ceiling with a wide grin on his face. The blond reaches Bucky, who immediately grabs his face and presses their foreheads together, with Steve’s hands automatically going to his hips.

Up close, Steve can see the nearly black circles under his friend’s eyes, and their sunken nature. He can see the water droplets clinging to Bucky’s skin, his lips, and matting his shoulder length hair to his face. The coolness of his metal arm and the warmth from his flesh arm seeps into Steve’s skin from where the brunet’s palms are placed on either side of Steve's face. The Commander looks into his friend’s eyes again and, for the first time, sees a light that resembles the person he used to be.

“I’m free . . . fuck, I’m free,” Bucky says before connecting their lips together.

Steve’s eyes widen in surprise. While this isn’t the first time they’ve kissed (Bucky was Steve’s first kiss), this is the first time Bucky has initiated it so enthusiastically (he was always so gentle as if he was afraid of breaking him even after the serum). Before Steve can even think about returning the affection, his friend is pulling away, grinning wildly and eyes shining with delight.

“I’m free,” he repeats, and somehow that grin widens.


End file.
